Imagine a world where people realized their self-control was waning and they would excuse themselves until their coping skills returned.  They would retreat to a place where they found comfort, perspective or distraction. 

Meditation is a kind of time-out, so is reading, or an afternoon nap.  School detention, Juvenile Hall and prison are also time-outs.  The former are most often self-imposed.  The latter are other-imposed.

The most common form of other-imposed time-out in childhood goes like this - a child loses control and is sent away for a prescribed amount of time and allowed to return when that time has passed.  The child typically sits in isolation with nothing to do.  When the prescribed time has passed the child is “released.”  The child may or may not have regained her composure or any sense of good humor, but she has done her time.

When time-out is taught as a life skill the young child still needs guidance.  With a caregiver’s help children can identify escalating emotions and excuse themselves from a situation, sometimes even before things go too far. 

A self-imposed time-out with guidance looks something like this – caregiver/parent says to child “why don’t you take a minute and calm yourself.  Find your lovey or play in your room and comeback when you feel like you can get along better.”   When the child returns the caregiver has an opportunity to acknowledge the child’s efforts – “you took a few minutes to calm down and I am so glad you came back to play.”  At this point the calmer, more receptive child is more capable of integrating problem-solving strategies – “Instead of knocking down the block tower you can say ‘I am angry,’ and you can ask me for help.”

In answer to your next question (yes, I know what it is), what do you do if the child refuses to put herself in time out?  At this point, the caregiver offers a choice, “You need some time to calm down.  Can you go by yourself or do you need my help?  If I take you I will decide when you are ready to come back and join us, if you go on your own you can come back all by yourself when you’re ready.”  This allows the child some control and makes cooperation more likely at the current time, and initiation more likely in the future.

Sometimes parents need time-outs.  Model self-imposed isolation by excusing yourself when things get too heated for you.  Articulate that you are feeling too frustrated, angry, etc. to talk or play further and that you need to take some time to calm down.

The need for time-out presents itself in the lives of adults and children alike, often daily, and knowing when to take it is an invaluable life skill, maybe even one that will help your child avoid all types of other-imposed isolations.

“I don’t like you” is a common refrain of the three-year-old, quickly replaced at four by “you’re not my friend” and “you’re not coming to my birthday party.”  Preschoolers, who are just beginning to engage in reciprocal relationships, wield this power over their peers and attempt to wield it over their parents.  Don’t take it personally.

 I’m guessing your daughter uses this phrase when you are limiting her behavior in some way.  At that moment she probably doesn’t like you.  You can respond by saying “you will feel that way sometimes, and it’s ok.”  You might elaborate at other times by saying, “I will teach what you need to know (or keep you safe, healthy, etc.) even if it makes you angry.”

My 3 ½ year-old-son wants a princess bike for Christmas.  I have no objection to his preference, but want to purchase a bike that will last for a few years.  He rode a black bike at the store and loved it.  When we came home, he reiterated his desire for a princess bike.  Should I buy the black one, anyway, which is of good quality and will last far beyond his desire for princesses?

Congratulations on being open-minded about gender issues!  Boys can choose princesses and girls can choose super-heroes.  I don’t know how many times I have had to tell the folks at McDonald’s to stop asking about “girl toys” or “boy toys” as a Happy Meal prize.

In this situation you can meet everyone’s needs.  Buy the black bike that will likely be your best economical choice, and adorn it with a princess basket, and grips with fringe.  Your son will be thrilled and if his interests change later you have a basic color you can re-accessorize with his favorite character or current passion.

Our neighbor is 6 and has a passion for Hannah Montana and ICarly- which I’m disheartened to see is being past along to our 4 1/2 year old.  I think the content is too “grown up” for both girls.  Am I on track and when would the content be deemed appropriate?  If we chose to avoid the shows, music, toys, clothes and merchandise what is the best way to explain it to our daughter. So far- “it’s for older children and isn’t it interesting that different families do things differently” seems to work.  I am however sooo tempted to buy the Hannah merchandise for gifts because it makes her soooo excited- just like the Disney Princesses did when she was 2 1/2.

I think every parent is tempted to give their child the “wow” moment at the holidays – even when it requires them to set aside a parenting philosophy or spend too much money.  Resist the urge!  We are the ones who ultimately set our children’s expectations for what they receive.

The immersion into the world of TV and pop stars is not appropriate for a 4 ½ year-old, in spite of your daughter’s interest.  However, you might be able to indulge her - sans the images associated with dress, behavior and all the other trappings of media-made icons - by focusing just on the music of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.  Google “song lyrics” and to be sure the lyrics to the songs do not offend your families sensibilities, and enjoy the tunes together.   

Disappointment with gifts from Santa, or gifts from friends, can be addressed by saying “those who love us would never give us gifts that were not appropriate for us, for our family, or our beliefs.”  Let your daughter know, that there will be a time when Hannah Montana is appropriate for her, it is just not right now.  Acknowledge her disappointment and share a time in your life when it was hard to wait for something you wanted.

 Happy holidays!

Tomorrow: My three-year-old son wants a princess bike.

Send your questions to: Carolyn@engagetoday.com

When my child doesn’t get his way, sometimes he will strike out at me, either kicking me or hitting me, and/or using angry words (”If you don’t let me do XYZ, I won’t ABC!!”).  I try to stay calm and explain that I won’t let him hurt me, but I would love some suggestions on how to handle this situation.

It is not unusual for a child to lash out physically or verbally when frustrated, it is just unacceptable.  Children need to be taught other ways to express their feelings and those lessons cannot be taught in the heat of the moment.  That is why trying to calmly explain to your son is ineffective.

Commit to reversing this bad habit.  Tell your son, in a calm moment, that you are sorry you have let this bad habit develop.  Let him know that everyone feels frustrated and angry sometimes, but that does not mean that we can hurt each other.  Talk about different, acceptable ways that he can express his anger or frustration.  Explain to him that if there is any hitting or kicking all activity will stop immediately whether you are at home or out.

The next time he hits secure his hand, look in his face, and say calmly and firmly “you may not hit me.  I am not going to allow this any longer.”  Walk him to his room or another safe space and tell him you will come and get him when you are both ready to talk.  Do not require that he sit on a bed or in a corner.  Allow him to play and to have his comfort items.  Do not time the “time-out.” 

When he is calm and you are, too, invite him to come out and re-iterate the new rule – “Hitting is not allowed at our house.   I will help you learn other ways to behave when you are angry that do not hurt people.”  In a non-punitive way, cancel afternoon plans or utilize a magic phone call to help cement the lesson.  Articulate to him that when he has had some practice and is exhibiting good self-control, you will return to the park or to play dates, but for now he will need to play at home.

How do you prepare/handle a three-year-old for mass gift opening–while teaching them to be thankful. For example, the rip open a bag/gift to find the cutest outfit.  They, however, throw it to the side. In my ideal world they would finish unwrapping the gift and say thank you. 

Like most children, I loved Halloween  in spite of the fact that my mother always made me wear a sweater that ruined my costume and wouldn’t let me carry a pillow-case as a sack like all the cool kids, because she thought it looked greedy.  As an adult, Halloween  confounds me –  costumed children going from house to house and asking for candy from strangers, with the blessing and encouragement of their typically protective parents.

Yes, I know it has cultural meaning, it can connect neighbors and neighborhoods, it is fun, but there are always concerns to be addressed and teachable moments that present themselves, and it is my self-appointed job to address those issues and impose them on you.

I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill, but please, please, please let me state the obvious.

Safety First –  health and safety are always non-negotiable.

•    All trick-or-treating children need to be supervised by an attentive adult.

•    Make sure your kids carry some kind of light or have something on their costumes that glows in the dark.  In their excitement, they may dart out onto dark streets, unseen by moving cars.

•    Check all treats before turning them over to your kids to make sure they are identifiable, packaged, and appropriate for your child’s age.

•    Remind your children that this is a special tradition celebrated with an adult and that taking candy from strangers or approaching the houses of people they don’t know without adult supervision at any other time is not safe.

Frontload – set everyone up for success with clear, enforceable expectations

•    To avoid meltdowns, let your kids know the game plan for the evening – where you will be trick-or-treating and with whom, how long you will be out, how far you will go, whether or not candy will be available to eat upon your return and, if so, how much?

•    Acknowledge the excitement and how hard it is to wait when your little ones begin to nag about getting ready or leaving the house at 3pm.  Provide a firm time-table that you can and will honor.  Defer to the clock as the ultimate authority – “when the clock says 5pm we will begin to get ready and then we will leave at 5:30.”

•    Tell your kids how to manage crowds – let the trick-or-treaters on a porch depart before they proceed to the door (like good elevator manners).  Let the littlest kids go first and stand in front so they can maneuver in their costumes, avoid being run-over, and everyone can be seen.  Not fair?  Everyone had a chance to be little and stand at the front of the line.

•    Acknowledge your children’s efforts to be cooperative and considerate and note their thank-yous – this is a night when self-control and good manners are easily lost.

Anticipate  - The best defense is a good offense.

•    Your children are likely to be tired on Saturday morning, experiencing a sugar-low and displaying an attitude that reflects both.  It will be only moments after they wake that they ask for more candy. Prepare your response and plan your day accordingly.

Enjoy:

I may be confounded as an adult, but I was enchanted as a child – enjoy these enchanting moments with your child.  You are making memories and the years go fast – before you know it, your kid, like mine, will be dressed in a questionable costume and attending a party on a college campus.

And, in deference to my mother, don’t let your child carry a pillowcase -she was right it does look greedy, but she wasn’t right about the sweater.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Each Monday, I respond to questions at www.happyhourmom.com.  Log-on to read my replies to some common parenting challenges.  Feel free to ask questions through Happy Hour Mom, too, or send your questions to me at carolyn@engagetoday.com and I will reply here.Happy parenting!

We all like a surprise every now and then, and we are all sometimes forced to deal with a disruption, but generally it’s nice to know what to expect each day.  Adults have the ability to plan and infer, children, mostly, have to go along for the ride.  If you want a smoother trip, you need to frontload your little ones – tell them what’s going to happen and what to expect. 

Frontloading can begin in infancy – “I am going to pick you up, now, and get you ready for a bath.”  You can narrate taking off baby’s clothes, the change in the way the air feels on the skin, the transition to the warm water.  Does baby understand your words?  No, but your infant understands your attention, and loves your caring tone.  The bonus is the introduction to language, conversation and regard.

You can prompt about loud noises, a change in the environment, or the arrival of a guest.  I used to tell my little girl “big sun” as we moved from the interior of the car into a parking lot, and “somebody’s getting help” as a siren approached, so she would not be startled.  I always let her now that daddy would be home soon and would pick her up and give her hugs and kisses (Daddy learned to frontload, too).

If you start in infancy, as children grow you will already be in the habit of including them in the day’s plan.  Consider frontloading as an example of good manners and consideration of others.  Frontloading allows kids to plan and anticipate, too.  “This morning we are going to the bank and grocery store.  We are going to do a big shopping.  Then we will come home and have lunch and a nap.”  Or, “After daycare, today, we are going to grandma’s for dinner, before we go home.  Is there anything special you need to bring this morning so you have it after school.”

The concept is simple, but the benefits are great.  You can address objection with acknowledgement – “I know you don’t like grocery shopping.  It is not my favorite chore either, but we need food in our house.  We will work together to get it done more quickly” or “remember, I told you this was our plan.  I understand you want to go home, but we have made this commitment.”  Showing a child this simple regard will teach how to show regard in return. 

In the planning of your day (and your life) if you know your because, acknowledge emotion, and frontload your children on plans and expectations, you are taking steps to building a strong, reciprocal regard. And the truth is, with parenting, you never actually have control, all you really ever have is the relationship.

As I listened to Rosalind Wiseman this morning on the Today Show, I felt grateful for her wisdom, and sadness that she was not around when I was a kid.  Her book, Queen Bees and Wannabees validated the pain of my youth and the updated version of her book will help you help your daughter navigate the oldest, and the newest challenges, society heaps on our daughters.

One of Wiseman’s primary focuses is that we teach girls that addressing struggles with peers is not about being friends, but about how to be socially competent.

I couldn’t help, but reflect back on my first years as a preschool teacher, saying to children: “we are all friends together at school.”  Isn’t that a lovely notion and the biggest lie you ever heard?  We are not all friends together at school (or anywhere else, for that matter), and it makes no difference if we are four or forty.   Yet, this myth is promoted to children - especially girls - by well meaning people, and girls often believe it for a lifetime.

Are you aware of how often you use the words “good” and “nice” with your daughters – words that most often imply deference and silence.  Let’s change the direction to “respectful” and “polite,” introduce the concept of kindness without capitulation. 

Observe how many times you (at least, initially) wince when your girl stands her ground and boast when your boy does.   If you are more evolved than this, good for you!  Speak up and model for others.  If you are guilty, let your guilt guide you to changing your behavior, and teaching a new lesson. 

If you are a parent, or a teacher, or a coach, or a neighbor, change your primary focus to respect and regard - not just kids showing it to you, but kids showing it to each other.  Creating a greater space for decency will allow more energy for math, and soccer, and a better understanding of true friendship.