In recent weeks I have been approached three times about conflict between little girls.  I am not talking 10 year-olds when the Queen Bee dynamic is firmly in play, but dominance, exclusion, and tests or games to determine friendships between four, five and six year-olds.

Now, anyone who has spent time with four-year-olds knows that they make a lot of declarations about who is/is not their friend, and who is/is not coming to their birthday party.  Their growing social abilities, sense of personal power, and realization that the world cannot be completely controlled by adults naturally lends itself to experimenting with this behavior.  But, like other unpleasant developmental traits, unkind social interactions must be addressed; these behaviors are age expected, not age appropriate. 

It will probably not surprise you that most of the inquiries I get about this subject come from the parents of girls who are feeling “victimized” by other girls, so those are the parents I will respond to here.  (If anyone wants feedback on modifying the behavior of a daughter who runs the pack, let me know).

When your preschool or young school-age daughter is experiencing struggles with peers:

• ·      Avoid statements like, “she’s not a real friend,”  “that’s not nice,” “just play with someone else” and/or directing your child to immediately tell the teacher.  Acknowledge your daughter’s hurt or anger.  It is a terrible feeling to be excluded or teased, don’t minimize the emotion with a statement that intends to comfort, but really dismisses.
• ·      Help you child build her own voice.   Standing up for oneself takes practice and direction from a trusted advisor.  Give her words to use.  Address body language.  If your child uses eye contact and a straight back when she says, “Don’t do that to me” she is more apt to get results than if her eyes are downcast and her shoulders rounded.  When facing exclusion, she can use the same confident posture and walk away, or declare that she would rather play with another crop of kids, anyway.  Role play for practice.  Don’t fight her battles.  Be support behind the scenes.
• ·      Seize the good bad example.  Tell your child that this is why you have taught her not to tease and  to exclude others in group settings.  Use this opportunity to teach understanding and feed the seeds of empathy.
• ·      Take note of your child’s preference in friends.  Not everyone is a leader, but if your child is consistently drawn to dominate girls, she may be lacking in self-confidence or self-direction.
• ·      Encourage friendships with children who are a good social match.  Invite them over for playdates so independent relationships can form outside of the group setting.
• ·      Set an example.  Use your voice to advocate for yourself.  Choose your friends carefully.  Do not be passive about your own unhealthy relationships.

All kids will experience painful social experiences in their lives, and parents cannot eliminate that possibility.  But, focusing on the skill of advocating for oneself in the preschool and early school years may prevent some measure of pain as time passes and the friendships between girls become increasingly more complex.

Imagine a world where people realized their self-control was waning and they would excuse themselves until their coping skills returned.  They would retreat to a place where they found comfort, perspective or distraction. 

Meditation is a kind of time-out, so is reading, or an afternoon nap.  School detention, Juvenile Hall and prison are also time-outs.  The former are most often self-imposed.  The latter are other-imposed.

The most common form of other-imposed time-out in childhood goes like this - a child loses control and is sent away for a prescribed amount of time and allowed to return when that time has passed.  The child typically sits in isolation with nothing to do.  When the prescribed time has passed the child is “released.”  The child may or may not have regained her composure or any sense of good humor, but she has done her time.

When time-out is taught as a life skill the young child still needs guidance.  With a caregiver’s help children can identify escalating emotions and excuse themselves from a situation, sometimes even before things go too far. 

A self-imposed time-out with guidance looks something like this – caregiver/parent says to child “why don’t you take a minute and calm yourself.  Find your lovey or play in your room and comeback when you feel like you can get along better.”   When the child returns the caregiver has an opportunity to acknowledge the child’s efforts – “you took a few minutes to calm down and I am so glad you came back to play.”  At this point the calmer, more receptive child is more capable of integrating problem-solving strategies – “Instead of knocking down the block tower you can say ‘I am angry,’ and you can ask me for help.”

In answer to your next question (yes, I know what it is), what do you do if the child refuses to put herself in time out?  At this point, the caregiver offers a choice, “You need some time to calm down.  Can you go by yourself or do you need my help?  If I take you I will decide when you are ready to come back and join us, if you go on your own you can come back all by yourself when you’re ready.”  This allows the child some control and makes cooperation more likely at the current time, and initiation more likely in the future.

Sometimes parents need time-outs.  Model self-imposed isolation by excusing yourself when things get too heated for you.  Articulate that you are feeling too frustrated, angry, etc. to talk or play further and that you need to take some time to calm down.

The need for time-out presents itself in the lives of adults and children alike, often daily, and knowing when to take it is an invaluable life skill, maybe even one that will help your child avoid all types of other-imposed isolations.

“I don’t like you” is a common refrain of the three-year-old, quickly replaced at four by “you’re not my friend” and “you’re not coming to my birthday party.”  Preschoolers, who are just beginning to engage in reciprocal relationships, wield this power over their peers and attempt to wield it over their parents.  Don’t take it personally.

 I’m guessing your daughter uses this phrase when you are limiting her behavior in some way.  At that moment she probably doesn’t like you.  You can respond by saying “you will feel that way sometimes, and it’s ok.”  You might elaborate at other times by saying, “I will teach what you need to know (or keep you safe, healthy, etc.) even if it makes you angry.”

My son keeps asking for help and getting frustrated because I don’t know what he’s talking about - he’s just standing there asking for help. If you used more than just the word, “Help?” to describe what you need assistance with, I’d be more inclined to help!? WHAT DO YOU NEED??? AHHH, 2 year olds…

When a child’s language skills emerge and grow it is so exciting.  Your little guy is thrilled to be understood and cannot understand that some of his words and desires are unclear, hence the frustration.

Avoid saying “what do you need?”  Get down at his level and mirror his facial expression.  Acknowledge him, “you are working hard to tell me what you want and I am so sorry I don’t understand.”  Repeat to him what you hear, it may trigger his meaning for you. If all he is saying is “help,” say to him “you want help.” Ask him to show you and offer your hand or pick him up.

Once your son’s desires are understood, repeat clearly (but not exaggeratedly) what he was saying – “you wanted the red cup.”  Many parents adopt the child’s language rather than “instruct” by speaking correctly.  It is an affectionate approach, but does not facilitate language development.

My 3 ½ year-old-son wants a princess bike for Christmas.  I have no objection to his preference, but want to purchase a bike that will last for a few years.  He rode a black bike at the store and loved it.  When we came home, he reiterated his desire for a princess bike.  Should I buy the black one, anyway, which is of good quality and will last far beyond his desire for princesses?

Congratulations on being open-minded about gender issues!  Boys can choose princesses and girls can choose super-heroes.  I don’t know how many times I have had to tell the folks at McDonald’s to stop asking about “girl toys” or “boy toys” as a Happy Meal prize.

In this situation you can meet everyone’s needs.  Buy the black bike that will likely be your best economical choice, and adorn it with a princess basket, and grips with fringe.  Your son will be thrilled and if his interests change later you have a basic color you can re-accessorize with his favorite character or current passion.

Our neighbor is 6 and has a passion for Hannah Montana and ICarly- which I’m disheartened to see is being past along to our 4 1/2 year old.  I think the content is too “grown up” for both girls.  Am I on track and when would the content be deemed appropriate?  If we chose to avoid the shows, music, toys, clothes and merchandise what is the best way to explain it to our daughter. So far- “it’s for older children and isn’t it interesting that different families do things differently” seems to work.  I am however sooo tempted to buy the Hannah merchandise for gifts because it makes her soooo excited- just like the Disney Princesses did when she was 2 1/2.

I think every parent is tempted to give their child the “wow” moment at the holidays – even when it requires them to set aside a parenting philosophy or spend too much money.  Resist the urge!  We are the ones who ultimately set our children’s expectations for what they receive.

The immersion into the world of TV and pop stars is not appropriate for a 4 ½ year-old, in spite of your daughter’s interest.  However, you might be able to indulge her - sans the images associated with dress, behavior and all the other trappings of media-made icons - by focusing just on the music of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.  Google “song lyrics” and to be sure the lyrics to the songs do not offend your families sensibilities, and enjoy the tunes together.   

Disappointment with gifts from Santa, or gifts from friends, can be addressed by saying “those who love us would never give us gifts that were not appropriate for us, for our family, or our beliefs.”  Let your daughter know, that there will be a time when Hannah Montana is appropriate for her, it is just not right now.  Acknowledge her disappointment and share a time in your life when it was hard to wait for something you wanted.

 Happy holidays!

Tomorrow: My three-year-old son wants a princess bike.

Send your questions to: Carolyn@engagetoday.com

When my child doesn’t get his way, sometimes he will strike out at me, either kicking me or hitting me, and/or using angry words (”If you don’t let me do XYZ, I won’t ABC!!”).  I try to stay calm and explain that I won’t let him hurt me, but I would love some suggestions on how to handle this situation.

It is not unusual for a child to lash out physically or verbally when frustrated, it is just unacceptable.  Children need to be taught other ways to express their feelings and those lessons cannot be taught in the heat of the moment.  That is why trying to calmly explain to your son is ineffective.

Commit to reversing this bad habit.  Tell your son, in a calm moment, that you are sorry you have let this bad habit develop.  Let him know that everyone feels frustrated and angry sometimes, but that does not mean that we can hurt each other.  Talk about different, acceptable ways that he can express his anger or frustration.  Explain to him that if there is any hitting or kicking all activity will stop immediately whether you are at home or out.

The next time he hits secure his hand, look in his face, and say calmly and firmly “you may not hit me.  I am not going to allow this any longer.”  Walk him to his room or another safe space and tell him you will come and get him when you are both ready to talk.  Do not require that he sit on a bed or in a corner.  Allow him to play and to have his comfort items.  Do not time the “time-out.” 

When he is calm and you are, too, invite him to come out and re-iterate the new rule – “Hitting is not allowed at our house.   I will help you learn other ways to behave when you are angry that do not hurt people.”  In a non-punitive way, cancel afternoon plans or utilize a magic phone call to help cement the lesson.  Articulate to him that when he has had some practice and is exhibiting good self-control, you will return to the park or to play dates, but for now he will need to play at home.

How do you prepare/handle a three-year-old for mass gift opening–while teaching them to be thankful. For example, the rip open a bag/gift to find the cutest outfit.  They, however, throw it to the side. In my ideal world they would finish unwrapping the gift and say thank you. 

How do you advise parents to deal with grandparents whose habits go against parents’ rules?  I’m thinking, for example, of toy guns (if parents don’t permit them), perhaps movies that are a little too mature, sugary cereal, etc.  Some parenting experts seem to advocate an “anything goes at Grandma’s” approach; others feel that the lapse in consistency can be a problem.

Begin by choosing your “hills-to-die-on.” Toy guns and R-rated movies might be a moral issue for you, where as sugary cereal and late bedtimes might feel more flexible.  Issues of health and safety are non-negotiable at all times no matter who is caring for your child - car seats, seat belts, protective gear for sports, unsupervised play, health-related dietary restrictions, medications, etc, are not open to philosophical discussion. 

One of the biggest challenges can come in the communication regarding your differences.  Grandparents can be particularly touchy because they may feel you are accusing them, or rejecting the way you or your spouse was raised. Be sensitive to this when approaching issues. Acknowledge that you see things differently and state your “because.” Recognize that your views might be a result of generational or societal changes, experience, or even your own neuroses.  Use humor to deflect tensions, “I know this might seem over-the-top to you.  I am wondering just what my kids will say about me when they grow-up.  I am saving for their therapy.”

Consistency of approach is only a real concern if Grandma is among your child’s primary caregivers.  If this is the case, you need to present a united front. If parents and grandparents cannot agree, parents need to find alternative childcare, rather than compromise the family relationship.

If Grandma is “just for fun” your child can easily understand that rules at Grandma’s are more lenient than at home.  Parents can celebrate the good time at Grandma’s, but remind the child that the house rules are different by saying, “isn’t it great that you can do that with Grandma, but we don’t do that at our house.” 

Finally, don’t forget to express your gratitude - and teach your child to do the same - for a grandparent is who is willing and able to offer care.  A loving grandparent is an immeasurable blessing.

Tomorrow’s question:  Preparing a Three-Year-old for Mass Gift Opening

Send your questions to Carolyn@engagetoday.com

Like most children, I loved Halloween  in spite of the fact that my mother always made me wear a sweater that ruined my costume and wouldn’t let me carry a pillow-case as a sack like all the cool kids, because she thought it looked greedy.  As an adult, Halloween  confounds me –  costumed children going from house to house and asking for candy from strangers, with the blessing and encouragement of their typically protective parents.

Yes, I know it has cultural meaning, it can connect neighbors and neighborhoods, it is fun, but there are always concerns to be addressed and teachable moments that present themselves, and it is my self-appointed job to address those issues and impose them on you.

I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill, but please, please, please let me state the obvious.

Safety First –  health and safety are always non-negotiable.

•    All trick-or-treating children need to be supervised by an attentive adult.

•    Make sure your kids carry some kind of light or have something on their costumes that glows in the dark.  In their excitement, they may dart out onto dark streets, unseen by moving cars.

•    Check all treats before turning them over to your kids to make sure they are identifiable, packaged, and appropriate for your child’s age.

•    Remind your children that this is a special tradition celebrated with an adult and that taking candy from strangers or approaching the houses of people they don’t know without adult supervision at any other time is not safe.

Frontload – set everyone up for success with clear, enforceable expectations

•    To avoid meltdowns, let your kids know the game plan for the evening – where you will be trick-or-treating and with whom, how long you will be out, how far you will go, whether or not candy will be available to eat upon your return and, if so, how much?

•    Acknowledge the excitement and how hard it is to wait when your little ones begin to nag about getting ready or leaving the house at 3pm.  Provide a firm time-table that you can and will honor.  Defer to the clock as the ultimate authority – “when the clock says 5pm we will begin to get ready and then we will leave at 5:30.”

•    Tell your kids how to manage crowds – let the trick-or-treaters on a porch depart before they proceed to the door (like good elevator manners).  Let the littlest kids go first and stand in front so they can maneuver in their costumes, avoid being run-over, and everyone can be seen.  Not fair?  Everyone had a chance to be little and stand at the front of the line.

•    Acknowledge your children’s efforts to be cooperative and considerate and note their thank-yous – this is a night when self-control and good manners are easily lost.

Anticipate  - The best defense is a good offense.

•    Your children are likely to be tired on Saturday morning, experiencing a sugar-low and displaying an attitude that reflects both.  It will be only moments after they wake that they ask for more candy. Prepare your response and plan your day accordingly.

Enjoy:

I may be confounded as an adult, but I was enchanted as a child – enjoy these enchanting moments with your child.  You are making memories and the years go fast – before you know it, your kid, like mine, will be dressed in a questionable costume and attending a party on a college campus.

And, in deference to my mother, don’t let your child carry a pillowcase -she was right it does look greedy, but she wasn’t right about the sweater.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN